A Slave to Emotion

Fact: Humans are slaves to emotions.

I haven't been feeling ANYTHING like myself this past week. So much has changed in these past 8 months. Thanks to college, I shall not be the same person I was before.

I have probably experienced more emotional problems in these past months than I have in the last 16 years. Before, a bad mood could be cured though (a) chocolate (b) TV. Now, my worst moods PARALYZE ME. I become incapable of doing ANYTHING to the best of my ability( i.e. the way I want everything to be done.) And it's happening more and more frequently.

The worst part is, well, I have a crush on someone. But when I ha finally made certain of those feelings, I made a conscious decision NOT to pursue her. Not a day passes now when I do not think and wonder whether I have made the right decision. Yet I still feel it is for the best. I do not need distractions at this time. Also, I will be leaving this country next year, for 6 years at least. She will not. Is it not only fair that I do not narrow both mine and her horizons. Better not to start a doomed relationship.

Whatever optimism I once felt, I feel no longer. I laugh, eat, talk,walk, sleep but I just feel empty. Is it because of that decision? I think not, yet I am not sure. I yearn to see this wold through the rose-tinted lenses of a 3-year-old once again. I await the miracle that will reawaken my passion for life.

I cannot continue in this way. Despair surrounds me. I feel empty, disconnected, unfocused. Going through the motions of daily life, I long to FEEL again. Will the light at the end of the tunnel appear?

I stare at her
Into her eyes
I see reflected there
my despair

To act or not to act
I chose not to
Do I regret?
Of course I do

Now when I see her
I feel a longing
a tugging at the edges of my soul
First love was long ago
but rising from its ashes
comes a new flame
A flame I try to smother
Unsuccessfully

I feel despair
Creeping, creeping up on me
I cannot escape

Spirit in turmoil
who shall calm it?
Let Time work her magic
and we shall see

Merdeka?

Our 50th Independence day is coming! (for Malaysia, that is)

Do I love my country? I honestly don't know. I didn't choose to be Malaysian any more than I chose to be male. So just because I'm born here, I'm supposed to love Malaysia?
In my book, patriotism is not loving your country, waving its flag etc. It's being here and making the most of it.

So are we REALLY independent now? As I haven't experienced what it is like to be under colonial rule, my opinion can't be accurate.

However, I don't think PROGRESS has been made. Not physical infrastructure, but culturally, spiritually and mentally.

Culturally and spiritually, what has happened is most probably regression. From what I've read, the Arabisation of the Malays has in fact led to more intolerance and the decline of their original culture. Many cultural treasures such as the joget and wayang kulit are in serious danger of disappearing, no thanks to overzealous religion-based political parties. The Chinese aren't much better. They are losing contact with their roots, becoming more and more westernized. Many can't speak Chinese and even more do not uphold the Chinese traditions (yours truly is guilty of this). The same goes for the Indians.

Blogging about this has made me depressed.....Although there's more, I'm just too depressed to continue.......Happy Merdeka Day!! Chocolate time!

*Sigh* Love.....

Why are most songs about love? I guess it's because love is the purest and most beautiful of all human emotions. Anyway, these songs are just beautiful. Beautiful lyrics, nice melodies, brings out feelings of "to have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all."



Ye Qu (Nocturne) by Jay Chou (great melody)



Wait for you by Elliot Yamin (Love it!!)



Secret by Jay Chou (Wish I could play the guitar like him!)

Holiday Boredom and Depression

"IT'S THE HOLIDAYS!!" I shouted on Friday. Well now I'm bored and depressed. Who would have thought I would dislike holidays?

Anyway, I read a book today. Quite a short one (and quite old too). It's called The Time Machine, by H.G.Wells.

It's really depressing. I mean, it's fantastic and all that, being able to travel through time and all (who wouldn't like that?), but the Wells' vision of the future is really sad. He predicted that humanity would decline into Morlocks and Eloi, basically animals with rudimentary language and precious little reason, with the Morlocks preying on the Eloi.

Isn't that sad? Look around you now and tell me that you think it's possible. It may be beyond our imagination now, but take a long, serious look at the world in general and Wells seems to be rather accurate. What animal kills others of its own species in mass? Humans, thats what.

It reminded me of another novel. Must have read this one last year, I think. 1984, by George Orwell. This one is disturbing because of another reason. Wells was predicting something more long term, but Orwell actually set his novel in 1984, meaning that his was a really (relatively) short term vision.

In Orwell's novel, the world is split into 3 parts, with a permanent war being waged between any 2 of the countries against the third. The scary thing is, the government controlling the state he protagonist lives in is a so-called Big Brother government, that controls every aspect of life. If the superiors give an order, it's carried out "for the good of the Party". Want to change history? sure, seeing as we control the only records, no problem. Just change the records. Even sex is made into nothing more than a public service, as to bring children into the world is a service to the Party.

Don't tell me you don't see it happening now. We believe whatever the Government tells us, without questioning.

Scary, isn't it?

BTW, thought this was interesting: http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSL2020651320070820

Sagittarius, the Archer

Heh heh heh...... Got bored so I checked out my horoscope on the Net. This is what wikipedia says, and it really made my day (especially the part about genius)!!!

Characteristics
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the zodiac and is popularly associated with the keywords genius, optimistic, restless, enthusiastic, adventurous, honest, outspoken, and independent.
Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness and eagerness to extend experience beyond the physically familiar. They enjoy travelling and exploration, the more so because their minds are constantly open to new dimensions of thought. They are basically ambitious and optimistic, and continue to be so even when their hopes are dashed. Their strongly idealistic natures can also suffer many disappointments without being affected. They are honorable, honest, trustworthy, truthful, generous and sincere, with a passion for justice. They may be on the side of the underdog in society they will fight for any cause they believe to be just, and are prepared to be rebellious. They balance loyalty with independence.
Although generally easygoing, Sagittarius is a fire sign, which can manifest itself as having a generally quick temper. Fortunately, Sagittarians are usually as quick to forget what got them angry in the first place,Sagittarians are positive, forthright communicators who love traveling, which can also lead to being restless and reluctant to taking orders."
Sagittarians are known for spontaneous philosophical ramblings and don’t seem to get bogged down in emotional complexities. They have both profound and wide ranging minds, equipped with foresight and good judgment, and they can be witty conversationalists. They love to initiate new projects (they make excellent researchers) and have an urge to understand concepts that are new to them. They think at a lightning speed and quickly make decisions. They are also original,ingenious and often shower the world with bright and altruistic ideas. These people are born intelligent and can be in total control of the situations around.They are strong-willed and good at organizing; a combination that gives them the ability to bring any project they undertake to a successful conclusion. Their generosity can be balanced by their extreme care at handling their resources.
Sagittarians are usually held to have a strong love of freedom, and a disdain for routine. Often associated with frankness, Sagittarians do not hesitate to give an honest opinion, which can seem tactless at times – although rarely is their intention to be cruel. The same mind that shows tactlessness can be a beacon of light in confusing times. Leave it to a Sagittarius to step into a messy tangle and sum up the situation with blinding clarity. They’ll be willing to say the truth when all others hide in confusion. This makes them invaluable friends that can guide you back to the clear path when you need honesty rather than enablers.
Sagittarians have a real genius which is often mistaken for intelligence. They do clever things in wrong situations because of which their superior mind goes unnoticed. Sagittarians may strive for maximum enjoyment in life, but too much of a good thing can be problematic and prudence is difficult for most Sagittarians to acquire. Being overly spiritual or too philosophical, for example, can make them out of touch with the real world. They can also be kiddish and innocent. Though they are blessed with a dynamic mind of high standards they often mistake love for friendship and this is one of the most vulnerable areas of Sagittarius. They often find it hard to tell lies and its better if they tell the truth. As they are creative and innovative they may develop an attitude of degrading anything that is old and traditional. Another negative point about sagittarius is procastination. But they are race horses that start last, yet finish first.When these archers aims straight, their arrows will never miss their targets and pierce straight through the bull's eye perched right at the heavens above.
In astrology Sagittarius is ruled by the planet Jupiter. The Indian equivalent of Sagittarius is Dhanus, the Chinese equivalent is the Rat.

Relationships
In personal relationships Sagittarians are reliable, seldom betraying any trust given to them. In love, Sagittarians are ardent, sincere and straightforward. Yet if thwarted, they may easily allow their failure to embitter their whole lives or they may revenge themselves upon the opposite sex by becoming cynically promiscuous. Sagittarians are more apt than the average to make an uncongenial alliance. If their marriages are successful, they will be faithful spouses and indulgent parents; but their innate restlessness will inspire them to use even the most satisfying marriage as a base from which to set out on their travels. They need to feel free and are often faced with the choice of allowing their careers to take over their lives at the expense of the love of their spouse and family. The ideal partner for the Sagittarian is above all a friend, and a partner in life’s great adventure who understands the needs of a true free spirit.
There is an often reported physicality to Sagittarians that gets them involved in vigorous athletics and bold travel-adventures. They bring this flexibility to the bedroom and this lusty, anything-goes attitude can cause them to take a walk on the wild side.
Generally quite easygoing, Sagittarians make friends with people from all walks of life. They love to laugh and tease, and get along well with both sexes.

Occupations
Their gifts make Sagittarians fit for a number of widely differing professions. They are natural teachers and philosophers with a talent for expounding the moral principles and laws which seem to explain the universe. This gift enables them to be successful churchmen on the one hand and scientists on the other. The law and politics also suit them, as does public service, social administration, public relations and advertising. Sagittarians are found successful in social administration, in public relations, as scientists, and musicians. Travel and exploration naturally appeal to such restless souls and, if their opportunities are limited, they may find something of travel and change of scene in the armed forces.

Body and health
In medical astrology Sagittarius governs the hips and thighs.

Miscellaneous
The following items are traditionally associated with Sagittarius:
Birthstone = Topaz
Colours = Orange, Red, Yellow
Gemstones= Amethyst, Malachite, Turquoise
Metal= Aluminum, Tin, Silver

EMO POST

Have you ever had the feeling that although you have tried your best, it isn't enough?

Have you ever started something with immense confidence. then finish it in tears?

TODAY HAS NOT BEEN A GOOD DAY.

It's just ridiculous. How can anything go so wrong? Stupid test. No wonder 'Should exams be abolished' is a topic that heats up every few months. Tests cause incredible amounts of stress and there are no positive mental/psychological effects.

Bloody hell......

I KNOW I have the ability to get anything I want, I have an IQ of at least 120, for goodness' sake, but what the f***........ After this I think I'll settle for a nice bar of chocolate.

Hmph. Only 1 thing went right today, I'm now inspired to eat lots and lots of chocolate ( Snickers, anybody?)

My 1st accident

Got into (and caused) my first car accident on Saturday (4th August). Didn't involve my family's cars (seeing as I can't drive, I don't own a car). Feel a bit guilty though...

This is what happened: I was coming back from a sleepover with plenty of luggage (no idea why it was so much). So I was in a friend's car, in the rear left passenger seat. I checked for cars coming on my side when we stopped the 1st time, in front of BK. Then, seeing as the right passenger door was blocked by a parked car, we drove a bit further forward. I opened the door on my side without checking a second time. BANG!! my door whacked the side mirror off a Proton Waja, seriously scratching the paint and denting the door. The Vios I was in merely had a bit of damage to my door, just a bit bent out of shape. The driver of that Waja made a call (probably to his mom) and seemed to get a serious scolding. Anyway, in the end, we went to a workshop and my dad bailed me out. Kesian the car, though. It was just past its 1st service (4000km).

That's what happens when you aren't thinking clearly. Sleep deprivation+exhaustion= poorer by RM800.